A Man’s Journey Into Becoming a Dominant

I think you all know I write stories with strong alpha males – or dominants. Readers enjoy a powerful, influential man. They adore the executives and billionaires, cowboys and military men. Just human nature for women I think. In writing various pieces, I’ve had the joy of talking to many dominants and some that truly lived and explored becoming a Dom in the relationship. I’m writing a very dark piece right now (along with the last Missoula Smokejumpers book) and had some thoughts.

Do you love your Dom or your submissive? You might adore them so much you can’tb and w elequent love breathe and the joy in sharing the amazing journey becomes an incredible affirmation. I’m not certain I can place the experience into words. Love isn’t always a part of the lifestyle. One aspect is…

Trust. The single word and concept alone in a D/s or M/s relationship is vital. There is no other concept more important. In my mind, trust is the only reason any woman can fully submit to a Dom. The basic aspect isn’t achieved in a day or a week and the courage in allowing a woman to trust, to open up has to do with the man inside. What can’t be confused is trust and love. Is love and trust often intertwined? Well of course it is, however, the innate trust you have to have for the other person is ten times more extreme, more intense than what you might share in a vanilla relationship. There are degrees of trust – without a doubt. You trust your friends, the ones you grew up with, perhaps even some with your life. You certainly trust your parents or other family members to guide you, nurture or comfort you when you’ve fallen down an ugly path. You may trust your employer enough to believe in the company to complete your career with them all because of a single boss.

Trust is a word that’s thrown around a lot in every relationship. If there’s no trust, there’s no willing to work together as a team or to talk completely in an uninhibited fashion with your spouse or significant other. Think about the last time you wanted to share a very deep-seated emotion or fear. Was there one person you truly believed you could without fear of being made fun of? For a lot of women, they find this in their best girlfriends. I have one I can share anything with – good, bad or ugly – and I know she’ll be supportive. She has never judged me or condemned my way of life or the writing I do. She has no desire to be spanked or become a submissive, but she’s listened to me during times of joy as well as pain. She’s heard about the stories I write, the people I talk to, more than curious as to the different types of lifestyles.

Men have this too of course, but a lot of men tend to keep their bravado, the tightly woven mask, when talking to their best buds. They need to feel macho and perhaps at times superior, even when they’re hurting inside. Women cry frequently. The release allows a cathartic moment, a way to deal with heartache or rejection, being fired or during times of financial difficulties. What do men do? For many, they hide behind a wall. Some feel they have to be a man’s man, the kind who never shows emotion, certainly will never cry. Others will, but the men I’ve known and talk to are a bit terrified of being themselves.

Trust – there are two kinds that are so very important in D/s relationships. First and foremost is the trust of yourself. I’ve talked a lot about women learning to trust their instincts, feel their way through their very complex set of emotions. Do you think men who are finding their way as the dominant force worry about their thoughts, their inner feelings? Of course they do. They simply don’t often feel as if they have an avenue to grasp onto the man inside, turning inward initially and truly reflecting. For my guy readers, when was the last time you felt comfortable telling your gal you were afraid of something? Be honest.

This is the first step. Being honest with what you need both from the man buried deep inside to the woman who needs your guidance can be daunting. Learning to trust your gut takes times as well as self-realization. I honestly think for men the key that can I will take youunlock the man inside is at times painful, revealing. Fw men want to divulge they have a dark or sadistic side, or completely the opposite and are truly deep and emotional. Yes, there can be both. We have this ridiculous concept of what and how men should be. And for the majority of men? They follow the path, refusing to believe in their desires, needs burning within. I’ve talked to many Dom’s over the years. When the flood gates were opened up, their thoughts were ripe with so many fears and frustrations yet yearning to talk about every aspect of domination as well as sadistic tendencies. One is particular was very open to me, truly explaining the journey he and his submissive went through. I felt blessed from the first moment he was able to open up to me. After only a few weeks, I realized how much he trusted me with parts of himself he’d never been able to tell anyone before – except his submissive. My trust of him grew exponentially. I learned through our intense conversations about the man. This really gave me such a wonderful perspective about the life of a Dom.

His ability to talk to his submissive (and certainly not just me) allowed him to embrace the dark side he continues to fear today. I’ve written about fears nestled within men and women. For men, this truly gnaws at his ability to trust. Being concerned another man might want what he has is natural. Acting on jealousy without proof or provocation becomes destructive for any couple. For those in D/s – this can destroy. Jealousy is fairly primal in men. They are hunters and gatherers after all. They might not say they want you after a relationship has turned sour, but you better believe they don’t want you with another man. This breaks their confidence, tests their manhood.

Can this be avoided totally? Well, we are human first after all. The answer might be a resounding ‘no’ but you don’t have to succumb to this type of darkness. Men as dominants have the distinct responsibility to nurture and train, guide their submissives not only into the lifestyle they both agreed upon, but the very one he’s thought about perhaps his entire life. In order to do so, every man has to be as open as women tend to be. Granted, women are very good at hiding their true feelings. Often they don’t want to upset the applecart. That’s something women who are entering into a submissive lifestyle really have to think about, dig deep into their psyche. Women push hard when they aren’t getting their questions or concerns addressed. Men back away, moving into a neat little box they can place on a shelf.

This particular Dom is extremely good at this. He can compartmentalize with the best of them. The conversations were frank and enlightening. Garnering respect or trust isn’t done while being tied to a cross, flogged then fucked. This is all about communication, long talks over glasses of wine or walks in the woods.

For Dom’s, they need to embrace they have as many sides as women do, their emotions often tied to a disruptive past or difficult family. They question trust of the woman they adore or long to Dom. What they’re really doing is releasing every aspect of the man single arm shackledinside. They worry that in letting go, telling and showing who they really are, they’ll somehow seem weak. This is so very much the opposite for women in general and especially for submissives.

To garner success as a couple, you have to let go of the fears, discuss and embrace, cry or frustrate as necessary. This isn’t easy, but it’s a must. Men, you must know the man inside within quavering from who you are and what you need. Can you do this? Time will tell as you share and open up more, but you must. Trust… Do you trust you? If and only when you can, then you’ll be able to share the life you crave with the woman (or man) standing next to you.

Reflective thoughts…

Kisses and spanks…

Piper

 

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Domestic Discipline – My Thoughts

I have a wonderful compilation of stories coming out in two volumes in the next couple of months called Honor and Obey from Blushing Books. They are all about couples who’ve had difficult relationships and are heading for divorce or an end to their romance. They’ve tried every traditional method of repair from counselors to talking, being more romantic and sharing fears and worries with friends and family. Nothing works. Through various methods, they each happened upon the concept of biting her lipdomestic discipline. First of all, what does this mean?

Domestic discipline is a lifestyle where the man (yes, this can be a same sex couple but in my stories, they are all men and women) is the Head of Household. The man rules so to speak and the woman obeys, given rules to follow and parameters. When they disobey, they are disciplined or punished. This can mean a removal of privileges, washing the woman’s mouth out with soap and yes, spankings. Before you gasp, there are many documents written that this is based in some form of Christianity. Now, I’m not a practicing Christian, although I do believe there must be a higher deity, but I find it quite interesting that many very religious people scoff that this couldn’t be Christian in any manner. Well, why not?

From as long ago in recorded documents, you see that the man was in charge of the household. Only in recent history – we’re talking in the past hundred years – has the woman been given more equality. Today, at least in modern societies such as the United States, Canada and other western style countries, the woman has full equality. They make their own decisions and often there is a push pull in relationships as to who is the actual leader in the relationship. I think we all know that having two leaders can be difficult whether in times of war or peace, in a corporation or in a family setting. You can’t deny this.

So, what happens with two very strong heads butt together? Well, there is going to be some kind of war. We see this every day. Do you honestly think this is any different in marriages or living together situations? Uh, no. Think about your own relationship. Do you have times where you’re trying to make a decision and you are both polar opposites? Whether this is about purchasing a car or what location to take a vacation, we all have opinions and I don’t know about you, but I have no problem whatsoever expressing mine. You bet I’m bold and often aggressive. Forget the assertive part. When I want you to know something, you bet you’re going to hear. Does that bode well for harmony in the household? Not usually. We all try and get along, give and take. Right? How is it working for you?

Have any of you been close enough to divorce that you’ve questioned the very reason you got together with your significant other in the first place? You can’t lie. For the majority of us, this has happened at least once. What if you could take away a significant portion of the strife? What if there is one leader and ultimately what he says goes? I know. This takes some thought process, doesn’t it? In a time where divorce rates remain very high, the notion at least should be given some thought. That’s why I’ve written many stories and books about domestic discipline. I’ve also talked to many couples who live this lifestyle, even spent time on forums and in discussion rooms talking to men and women. They’ve been very frank and honest about their personal difficulties. And yes, you bet their candid representation has given me more than one question in my mind. Could this work?

First of all, not to be taken lightly by any means. There must be many discussions, a lot of personal reflection time and total honesty – not something everyone can do. Oh, and so you know, this lifestyle does not necessarily mean aspects of BDSM – which so many think it does. Can there be elements? Yes, including various sexual concepts, but for the most part, men and women living this are similar to you and I in almost every regard – except – she follows his rules. And there’s something else that’s tremendous in what I’ve learned. Couples who practice are much closer. They are honest to a fault, the love is amazing and yes, their belt in his handspassion increases.

Imagine a scenario. The wife is given a spending allowance and overspends by a couple hundred dollars, making paying the mortgage difficult that month. She knows better. She’s right there in understanding their needs, but decides the dress and shoes for herself or the kids is much more important. This is a very basic example but go with it. Should she be punished?

Hmmm… In domestic discipline, the husband will sit down and talk with her about her reasons why. Hopefully she’ll explain that she’s been down lately and needed a pick me up. They’ll come to an agreement about what to do next time, then he’ll establish her punishment. Perhaps he’ll issue a severe spanking followed by corner time. Then the issue will go away, no need to discuss further. She’s absolved and hopefully has learned that this kind of behavior isn’t in her best interest. Sound too simplistic?

I was talking with a friend the other day about these kinds of books and she totally disagrees that this is based in Christianity, although she flat out stated that the Bible teaches that men should be in charge and the woman should obey. O-kay. Don’t you think there are consequences in every aspect of what we do in our lives? If you break the rules and speed, a cop stops you. What do you think happens? Have a nice day and don’t do that again. No. You receive a ticket and pay for your sins. Why should there be any difference in a relationship? Again, this is pretty simplistic, but I think you get the point.

We are all different in what we want, need, require in our relationships and quite frankly, the total honesty shared goes out the window at some point. I don’t know a single couple that’s really happy. They’ll lie and have that huge smile on their faces when you come over, but what goes on behind closed doors is often ugly, even disgusting. There’s little or no respect left. Then why bother? Get that divorce. Move on your merry way and sink into another relationship. Repeat. You can argue and be unhappy or change. What if you could have enough courage to try something off the chain?

I don’t know. I’m so mouthy I think I’d be in trouble all the time, but if I knew there were consequences regarding my decisions, I might change my behavior after some time. I could also see that talking very frankly could lead to a closer relationship. How could it not? Passion is another thing. When you are so open with another, you are naturally drawn to that person. I can only imagine what this would do for a sexual relationship.

While these are just my thoughts, I try and bring the joy, the sorrow and the fear into my books, to try and honor those who’ve taken that huge step. They are just like you and me with worry about money, the kids, health issues, family disagreements and what’s for dinner tonight. They simply took a leap of faith.

Something to think about on this beautiful day…

Kisses…

Piper