As I finish up several books, at least two of which have very dominant heroes, I was thinking about a Dom’s greatest strength and how as authors, we have a responsibility to convey this in our books.
What do you think is the Dom’s greatest strength, the most important attribute he can bring to a D/s journey? As you might imagine, there are potentially multiple answers including various combinations of what I call light and dark. I can’t convey enough how important a Dom’s responsibility is within the dynamic. While a submissive is giving a true of her body and soul, the man is offering absolute protection and care of her welfare, even above his own. Imagine how daunting this can be. Now, I read an article obviously written by a man for a man and was a bit incensed by a passage regarding Dom’s heightened level of responsibility. The author of the article also mentioned the care of a submissive/slave was akin to caring for a small child. Really? I think he forgets which sex tends to act more like a bad kid in a sandbox. But I digress…
While the responsibility is indeed very important, and not to be taken lightly, I certainly know I’m not a child and refuse to be treated like one so when I convey submissives in my books, I show confidence, an inner strength. I think this is vital on several levels.
Submissives are the strongest people I know and I hope when you read about my heroines, you gather of sense of their self worth, their love of life and their joy in sharing given their heightened level of trust in their partner.
Submissives are required to take care of themselves, as they should, whether in business on in their personal life. While a Dom feels responsible for their submissive, there is a trust that she will do what is required to stay healthy, both mentally and physically. As I’ve discussed, there is so much trust involved, and the relationships seem so strong. Dominants have their own set of fears, concerns and worries. They aren’t always confident themselves. I think therein lies their greatest strength – the ability to be human.
Yes, a Dom has many sides. First and foremost he’s a man, one who has goals and desires that have nothing to do with his submissive or the lifestyle. These needs should be embraced and nurtured as aggressively as his darker side of kink does. Like anything else, a well-rounded man will make for a better Dom. Practicality comes into play here as well. Pretty much everyone in the lifestyle lives a portion of a vanilla life, often one in which they don’t want others to know their D/s persona. Men can be very powerful in business, but often D/s is very private. He can easily go out with his best buds to a sports bar or a football game and never tell a soul he owns a submissive. Some will tell a close friend, but often they prefer to keep the joy and amazing moments shared with only their submissive. Many Dom’s are private for various reasons, but they long to share our joy with others. Many excel at talking and sharing, observing and bringing various thoughts to the relationship. Time will often give couples the opportunity to share with others.
Another attribute a Dom often needs is being a friend to their submissive – her best friend. Sometimes life goes awry and all that can be done is to be supportive. The Dom is a submissive’s greatest support, the man who knows her inside and out. On certain days, he must back down and simply be there, holding her while she cries or giving her his viewpoint, bringing her back to center. Often this involves having patience, understanding and an innate knowledge of the woman he loves. The ability to back down being the Dom and allowing her fragile side to be comforted is very precious, another trust factor. Communication is so important, just talking about every day activities, joys and sadness, bring couples closer.
There is also the romantic man, the one the submissive fell in love with. I think sometimes when outsiders or vanilla couples think of D/s relationships, they honestly don’t believe there is any passion or romance built in. Perhaps certain Master/slave couples are more formal in that she is truly more of a server to him, but I can’t imagine there aren’t some aspects of basic romance encouraged and practiced. The right balance allows smiles and lust filled thoughts. Being seductive and sexy never goes out of style. After all, submissives are women first, enjoying being a girl, showing off a new dress or delighting their Dom with a new look.
I think that’s something valuable to remember. D/s couples are men and women first, friends and companions, lovers and couples, before they are Doms and submissives. They long to be admired and wanted, needed and affirmed. Submissives want their Dom’s excited when they walk into a room. She wants him to be proud when she’s on his arm when they go out, whether attending a BDSM setting or a gathering with family and friends. The Dom can lead the way and allow the submissive the safety and openness to be herself, no matter the setting.
Being lovers. I know many D/s couples openly admit they’re lovers. Perhaps not in the traditional sense, but the way they show each other how they feel, the deep and very intense needs, can instill the tremendous respect and ability to let go. A simple touch, the sound of a voice, the stern look or one filled with raging desire, is such a breathless mind bender. Simple things…
I asked a Dom, who I became friends with, what he believed his greatest strength or attribute was and his answer was two fold. He believes his ability to observe, then draw conclusions, which in turn allow him to develop a plan if needed, is important. He also told me he believes his level of patience is an attribute he prides himself in. I have to agree. He can look outside the box – whether we’re talking with me or about the situation – and determine how to handle or what’s best. He’s also been required to have extreme patience with his submissive.
Being a Dom. The words alone are thrilling for so many, both in writing and in real life. His standards are set high, both for himself and his submissive. He values her opinion but in the end what he commands will be, whether we’re talking rules or objectives. He helps mold his submissive, but in turn himself and his behavior as well. Is he setting an example? Well of course.
A Dom’s greatest strength? Simply being himself.
What do you think?
Kisses and spanks…
PS – Don’t forget that Scorch, the sixth in the Missoula Smokejumpers series will be released on April 20th. Sawyer’s story – a gentle Dom…