I’ve been writing books since I was five – yes five years old. Of course, my books have changed quite a bit, but I remember doing research in various ways from early on. That’s what professional writers do – they research. And I’ve enjoyed the heck out of it, including learning more about D/s lifestyles. I have one particular male friend I’ll call JP. He’s only been a practicing Dominant for a few years so it’s been wonderful to see his journey.
Advice. I think we all need some on a regular basis. Some of us have mentors in our professions or perhaps while we were in school. He or she can give credence to issues or simply tell their story while offering support. Some also engage in helping with discipline, whether for the mind or body. When couples or a man or women alone decide to enter into a D/s (Domination and submission) relationship, my belief is that they certainly should have advice from someone who’s explored even for a brief period of time. For many who long to submit or dominate another, they feel out of place, alone in the world. Well of course, they certainly aren’t.
BDSM and the various aspects are growing in household between couples and singles. This isn’t simply because of the popularity of Fifty Shades. Many long for increased passion, nurturing, and yes, even discipline.
I had lunch with a couple of girlfriends the other day and we were talking openly about the D/s lifestyle. I’ve mentioned in a previous blog that one of my friends surprised me with a text one Sunday evening. She asked if I could find her a particular color of flogger. I choked, re-read the text then laughed. Why? Because not in a million years would I have anticipated she hungered to even try anything remotely kinky. She’s ultra conservative and had never really asked me any questions before.
What’s been confirmed since that sunny evening is that you never know what goes on behind closed doors – and not just in bedrooms. She has a male friend who is submissive and she decided, after many weeks of intense conversations, that she wanted to explore becoming a Domme. This can be a heady task, especially given she has zero clue what she’s getting into. She’s highly intelligent and immediately gravitated toward the realization she needs to learn everything she can before making this decision. She remembered everything I’ve shared in writing and my discussions with John Patrick and asked if she could talk with him.
I was pleased and of course initiated the call. He accepted and a week ago they talked. This wasn’t a secret conversation so both told me what was said from their point of view. As with any situation between a man and woman, the sides can be filtered in a different manner. In talking with JP, he said she was very open and honest about the fact she knew little. He felt she was looking for affirmation that what she was attempting was ‘okay’. He assured her she wasn’t alone and that entering into any phase of the lifestyle is joyous, but certainly daunting.
He went on to tell me he expressed how important it was for her to be patient with herself as well as with her male friend. He could sense there was a very tight connection between them and encouraged her to continue asking questions, as well as reading everything she could get her hands on.
I found out during lunch, my gal pal and her guy aren’t romantically involved. They are friends, but she also mentioned connection is strong. The reason is that he can be himself with her, telling her aspects of his needs as a submissive he feels uncomfortable doing so with many of the women he dates. Let’s face it, the majority of women see men as a strong being, even if they don’t want them to be dominant every day. He has basic fears as we all do of being accepted.
What I found so interesting during our lunch was that JP stressed to her constantly the word ‘communication’. He told her candidly that he and I could talk for hours more openly than he has ever been able to in his life. This is very true. There were no masks. We left ourselves wide open and vulnerable, but in doing so, learned very quickly how much trust we had for each other. And this is all for research – as well as friendship.
She was very impressed with the time he took, his caring attitude and how strongly he felt about the lifestyle in general. For many, including aspects of D/s or BDSM is about spicing up an already existing coupling. In the case of my friend, she has no desire to take the domination to any other level than time spent together – without being a full time couple. The challenge for her is that she’s not certain how far she can take their desires at this point. I understand very much why she’s a bit hesitant. When you dabble in D/s or BDSM, this doesn’t change the fact you have to have complete trust. You must communicate on an entirely different level than you would even as a married couple. I’ll firmly stand behind this.
You can’t delve into methods of control, pain, confinement or discipline without utter open communication and deep conversations. If you do, you’ll be setting yourself up for failure. For JP, I don’t see him as the kind of man or Dom who could enter into just playtime. I know that he would enjoy going to a kink club that was vetted out and even partaking in various play, but in totality, he needs to feel the very intrinsic connection – even love. I understand this as well and with everything I’ve learned through these conversations with him, as well as other D/s couples, I couldn’t either. That’s just how I’m made – my very soul.
For my girlfriend, she’s not ready for a committed relationship. She was married, never shared a bit of BDSM with another, and this is very new. She’s eager, but cautious. She’s curious and now more intrigued than ever. I have no doubt she’ll continue learning. As we were talking over lunch, she said he became animated when he mentioned the use of implements for discipline. He went over everything from a hand spanking, a paddle, a flogger and his favorite, the belt. I couldn’t help chuckling when he talked about how exciting the use of a belt had been for him.
I remember detailed conversations about this very topic. He advised wisely to go slow, take her time and learn how to use a flogger before wielding.
Again, I’ve said this very thing time and time again. Learn your craft as you would any other. You can hurt the body as well as the spirit if you don’t know what you’re doing. She was absolutely adorable when she admitted how surprised she was the flogger she ordered was being hand made by a craftsman. She thought a flogger was a flogger no matter where you ordered the leather strap from. Her eyes and mind opened wide when I explained how they’re made and why. As you may remember, JP has a special bag – his collection of tools he took his time in selecting and ordering. He took plenty of time learning the craft of using them as well.
I knew in asking JP to talk with her, guide her as she takes baby steps, he would find the right way to encourage as well as caution. From what I could tell as lunch concluded, he’d done just that. Is she going to jump into the lifestyle? Of course not. She’s determined to read and talk to others. I applaud her for her time and consideration as D/s isn’t to be entered into lightly.
I have to say, I’m very proud of JP for his teaching ability as I am with her pointed questions. I’m smiling still and can’t wait to hear more from her as she takes additional steps into such an amazing journey.
Kisses and spanks…