I think you all know I write stories with strong alpha males – or dominants. Readers enjoy a powerful, influential man. They adore the executives and billionaires, cowboys and military men. Just human nature for women I think. In writing various pieces, I’ve had the joy of talking to many dominants and some that truly lived and explored becoming a Dom in the relationship. I’m writing a very dark piece right now (along with the last Missoula Smokejumpers book) and had some thoughts.
Do you love your Dom or your submissive? You might adore them so much you can’t breathe and the joy in sharing the amazing journey becomes an incredible affirmation. I’m not certain I can place the experience into words. Love isn’t always a part of the lifestyle. One aspect is…
Trust. The single word and concept alone in a D/s or M/s relationship is vital. There is no other concept more important. In my mind, trust is the only reason any woman can fully submit to a Dom. The basic aspect isn’t achieved in a day or a week and the courage in allowing a woman to trust, to open up has to do with the man inside. What can’t be confused is trust and love. Is love and trust often intertwined? Well of course it is, however, the innate trust you have to have for the other person is ten times more extreme, more intense than what you might share in a vanilla relationship. There are degrees of trust – without a doubt. You trust your friends, the ones you grew up with, perhaps even some with your life. You certainly trust your parents or other family members to guide you, nurture or comfort you when you’ve fallen down an ugly path. You may trust your employer enough to believe in the company to complete your career with them all because of a single boss.
Trust is a word that’s thrown around a lot in every relationship. If there’s no trust, there’s no willing to work together as a team or to talk completely in an uninhibited fashion with your spouse or significant other. Think about the last time you wanted to share a very deep-seated emotion or fear. Was there one person you truly believed you could without fear of being made fun of? For a lot of women, they find this in their best girlfriends. I have one I can share anything with – good, bad or ugly – and I know she’ll be supportive. She has never judged me or condemned my way of life or the writing I do. She has no desire to be spanked or become a submissive, but she’s listened to me during times of joy as well as pain. She’s heard about the stories I write, the people I talk to, more than curious as to the different types of lifestyles.
Men have this too of course, but a lot of men tend to keep their bravado, the tightly woven mask, when talking to their best buds. They need to feel macho and perhaps at times superior, even when they’re hurting inside. Women cry frequently. The release allows a cathartic moment, a way to deal with heartache or rejection, being fired or during times of financial difficulties. What do men do? For many, they hide behind a wall. Some feel they have to be a man’s man, the kind who never shows emotion, certainly will never cry. Others will, but the men I’ve known and talk to are a bit terrified of being themselves.
Trust – there are two kinds that are so very important in D/s relationships. First and foremost is the trust of yourself. I’ve talked a lot about women learning to trust their instincts, feel their way through their very complex set of emotions. Do you think men who are finding their way as the dominant force worry about their thoughts, their inner feelings? Of course they do. They simply don’t often feel as if they have an avenue to grasp onto the man inside, turning inward initially and truly reflecting. For my guy readers, when was the last time you felt comfortable telling your gal you were afraid of something? Be honest.
This is the first step. Being honest with what you need both from the man buried deep inside to the woman who needs your guidance can be daunting. Learning to trust your gut takes times as well as self-realization. I honestly think for men the key that can unlock the man inside is at times painful, revealing. Fw men want to divulge they have a dark or sadistic side, or completely the opposite and are truly deep and emotional. Yes, there can be both. We have this ridiculous concept of what and how men should be. And for the majority of men? They follow the path, refusing to believe in their desires, needs burning within. I’ve talked to many Dom’s over the years. When the flood gates were opened up, their thoughts were ripe with so many fears and frustrations yet yearning to talk about every aspect of domination as well as sadistic tendencies. One is particular was very open to me, truly explaining the journey he and his submissive went through. I felt blessed from the first moment he was able to open up to me. After only a few weeks, I realized how much he trusted me with parts of himself he’d never been able to tell anyone before – except his submissive. My trust of him grew exponentially. I learned through our intense conversations about the man. This really gave me such a wonderful perspective about the life of a Dom.
His ability to talk to his submissive (and certainly not just me) allowed him to embrace the dark side he continues to fear today. I’ve written about fears nestled within men and women. For men, this truly gnaws at his ability to trust. Being concerned another man might want what he has is natural. Acting on jealousy without proof or provocation becomes destructive for any couple. For those in D/s – this can destroy. Jealousy is fairly primal in men. They are hunters and gatherers after all. They might not say they want you after a relationship has turned sour, but you better believe they don’t want you with another man. This breaks their confidence, tests their manhood.
Can this be avoided totally? Well, we are human first after all. The answer might be a resounding ‘no’ but you don’t have to succumb to this type of darkness. Men as dominants have the distinct responsibility to nurture and train, guide their submissives not only into the lifestyle they both agreed upon, but the very one he’s thought about perhaps his entire life. In order to do so, every man has to be as open as women tend to be. Granted, women are very good at hiding their true feelings. Often they don’t want to upset the applecart. That’s something women who are entering into a submissive lifestyle really have to think about, dig deep into their psyche. Women push hard when they aren’t getting their questions or concerns addressed. Men back away, moving into a neat little box they can place on a shelf.
This particular Dom is extremely good at this. He can compartmentalize with the best of them. The conversations were frank and enlightening. Garnering respect or trust isn’t done while being tied to a cross, flogged then fucked. This is all about communication, long talks over glasses of wine or walks in the woods.
For Dom’s, they need to embrace they have as many sides as women do, their emotions often tied to a disruptive past or difficult family. They question trust of the woman they adore or long to Dom. What they’re really doing is releasing every aspect of the man inside. They worry that in letting go, telling and showing who they really are, they’ll somehow seem weak. This is so very much the opposite for women in general and especially for submissives.
To garner success as a couple, you have to let go of the fears, discuss and embrace, cry or frustrate as necessary. This isn’t easy, but it’s a must. Men, you must know the man inside within quavering from who you are and what you need. Can you do this? Time will tell as you share and open up more, but you must. Trust… Do you trust you? If and only when you can, then you’ll be able to share the life you crave with the woman (or man) standing next to you.
Kisses and spanks…