I’m often asked why I write spanking, D/s and DD books. I can tell you that given the popularity, there is quite a bit of interest. I thought you’d like to read about the concept of a Dom’s control. Research is the key and the best way to do that is talking with someone who practices one of the lifestyles.
After several recent and very intense conversations about the sadism within a D/s relationship, I’ve reflected on something JP said. He’s an old friend and great man, exploring the lifestyle while trying to maintain his vanilla life. He always talks about his concern whether he is Domly enough. I have a new twitter follower, a Master, who seems to believe that being a gentlemanly Dom is the truest form of embracing the concept. One of his tweets, and I think originating from his submissive, was the if a Dom doesn’t allow his submissive to tease or to seduce him at times, then the man doesn’t understand being a true Dom. I’ve learned many aspects of the lifestyle from talking to others, which allows me to write stories with a more knowledgeable mind.
Sharing and talking, laughing about the stupidity of people, drinking, opening up about fears, listening to music – these are the basic elements within every couple. Why would they be any different within a D/s relationship? Why should a man hunger any less to be desired, which is exactly what happens when any women flirts, teases and leads her man down a sensuous path. This is all about the fact she desires him, and as she moves through her various phases of seduction, she’s showing him in no uncertain terms she’s famished. In need.
While I don’t practice the lifestyle, I have asked myself basic questions. If I were in a D/s relationship, how would I react? Do you think I’m any different? Well, of course not. I would readily accept, embrace and love the submissive role; however, I would want to make certain he knew he was wanted as a man. Some aspects of letting him know are all about being sexy. From Victoria’s Secret so I can match my undies to a flaming red or vibrant “stripper” fuchsia pink dress, to massages and washing his back, candles and his favorite cigar – these are all methods of seduction. They also reiterate the desire, love and devotion. Remember, Dom’s are men first, manly always. And girls, we know men need affirmation more than they care to admit.
When men feel wanted and loved, they are much more self-assured and for Dom’s, I believe they are much more likely to enjoy fully their role as Dom. They love and crave the power, the feeling of being dominant over another, while still being seen as a sexy beast. Within every D/s relationship, both the Dom and the submissive grow both independently as well as together as a couple. The Dom accepts more control, the submissive letting more go. The power exchange morphs, the two roles becoming easier to identify. My experience is that when you add in discipline, punishment and aspects of playtime, some Dom’s begin to see their level and longing for control in a different manner. Why? Garnering a taste of how amazing euphoria can be on both sides, can push the emotional state to another plane altogether.
JP always experienced a “high” after using the belt or the quirt. In talking with other submissives, they describe the experience as being magical. I realize this is somewhat difficult to explain to those who’ve never gone down this road, but pain and pleasure are a fine line. This is similar to love and hate. Whether you want to use the expressions you’ve most likely heard before – reaching subspace, or the release of endorphins, that’s what occurs. The tingling effect is left for days in our case. Raw emotions are dazzling. When you go to this incredible plateau, it’s reasonable to think both the Dom and the sub might want more.
When does this “high” move from playtime and discipline to something more extreme? When does the Dom’s need for control become compromised? These are good questions and should be addressed.
With anyone accepting the dominating role within a relationship, they have various responsibilities. They are bound by respect and a code of honor, as well as their devotion, to keep their submissive safe from harm, whether from others or within the realm of their personal training. There were very important words told to me by another Master a couple of years ago. “I will hurt you. I will not harm you.” Those words couldn’t be a truer statement if certain aspects of sadistic acts become important to the Dom. JP always called this his dark side.
His gentlemanly ways were there from day one. He’s a kind, gentle soul with a dominating force that he was never allowed to experience until recently. When you’re given the acceptance to free your soul, share the deep-seeded hungers you’ve been terrified to express your entire life, you’ll experience true freedom. This is also where the two sides mesh together so well. Deep love enables you to delve into fears and needs, desires about the darker side of kink. I think without complete love, respect and trust, no two people could be so honest to admit sadistic or masochistic needs. Why would you consider?
So many people balk, laugh at or shun with prejudice anything they don’t understand or fear. People love to admonish others, their tastes and choices. No one in their right mind would open up about something so intimate, yet a trait many see as abusive. The conversations with JP? Enlightening. Amazing. Terrifying. Powerful. Life changing. His honestly allowed me to see needs within myself. His sadistic desires aren’t extreme, merely pushing past comfort levels, tasting something completely different. Do I think his tendencies can grow, his needs increase? Of course. If you find something you enjoy, you’re going to want more. Control is vital.
I’m not just talking about controlling the amount of pain inflicted, the number of whip strikes. I’m also talking about bridging what are now three aspects of a life together. There’s the vanilla side every D/s couple will share to a degree. There’s the D/s portion involving guidance, training, following various basic rules such as how to greet the Dom, or behavioral controls. Then there’s the more sadistic side of playtime. Does this mean every aspect of his guidance within his dominating role will have a sadistic flavor?
That’s a very daunting question. I think this is what I’ve been reflecting on. He mentioned that he’s changed and his partner changed as well. Again, his frank conversations allowed me to look inside myself. Could I do this? Maybe. Perhaps writing about D/s relationships means I have a bit of submissive needs buried inside. Embracing my submissive tendencies opened my eyes to so many things, helping mold a well-rounded person.
However, I am still the ballsy, willful and very take-life-by-the-balls kind of chick, plus I’m very passionate and romantic in all those girly ways. I love candles and romantic dinners. I love sitting by a fire, reading to each other. I adore taking a shower together and giving long massages. I would want this side as well, wouldn’t you? I would also want to know my rules clearly and have a gentle Dom who administers them, knowing I’d fuck up every once in a while. While punishment is supposed to hurt, I believe everyone needs to feel safe in his measured control. Trust is vital. In other words, I would need the complete package – a passionate and thoughtful Dom who respects all sides of me so his nurturing and guidance is effective as well as controlled. Does this kind of man exist in real life? I honestly believe his does.
What do you think? Can the three sides co-exist within a D/s relationship?
I hope you enjoyed.
Kisses, spanks and happy reading